In the 2ww

I am officially in the 2ww. This is my last cycle of Clomid, so we shall see what happens. I had an ultrasound yesterday to check if ovulation has occured, and it did! woohoo! At least that department works! The RE wanted to check to rule out a syndrome where the follicles do grow in size but do not release an egg. At least, he clearly saw that I ovulated. Hopefully the swimmers do their job right and catch the egg. And then let's hope that the egg is fine. Fingers crossed!!!
During the ultrasound, the RE really looked at my uterus and he could see a bit of a separation. He said it looks like I have a subseptate uterus. He asked if anyone has ever said anything to me since I have had 3 D&Cs and a HSG test. I told him no. He said that the areas on each side are pretty wide so there is room if it implants on the walls. He is not worried as of yet but he mentioned that this could also be a problem for miscarriages. I guess there are things that can be done to fix that.
Right now, I will focus on the 2ww and hoping to not get cramps after this weekend (it's usually my first sign that AF is coming to visit).......... fingers crossed!

CD 10 Follie Check

Today is day 10 and I had my follie check this morning. There was one dominant one on the right side and a few little ones on the left. The dominant is 18.3mm and my lining is 8.9mm. I have to go back on Sunday to check the growth. He said that because of dimished ovarian reserve, this is most likely why I only have one dominant one (tear) but he stays positive as my body is producing follicles. We also talked about Letrozole and I think that we will be moving on to that if this cycle does not take.
Fingers crossed...

Going forward with the last cycle of Clomid

Hello Everyone,

AF showed up two days ago and I went back to the RE to have my FSH tested again and see if we would go forward with the last cycle of Clomid (@ 100mg). FSH came back borderline (as usual), 10.3, but the doctor says it's fine to go ahead with this cycle. The last time, I did produce follicles and he was pleased to see that. I hope that I get to produce follicles again. I have to go for a CD 10 follie check next Friday..... fingers crossed.
I feel better physically and emotionally, it seems that I am recovering well from the accident. I still cannot believe that I did not have one broken bone and did not suffer major injuries. My neck MRI showed a lesion on disc C4-5 but I am unsure yet as what it means. I will meet with my doctor next week to talk about it. I just keep thinking of all the things that could have gone wrong, especially looking at the pictures of the car, but I am very thankful to have a second chance at LIFE. I need to keep this accident in the past and focus on my future...

Horrible AMH Results and a Serious Car Accident

It has been a while since I have posted anything. I was going to write after I received my AMH results on April 17th but I got in a serious car accident on April 19th which, thank lord, I only suffered minor injuries considering the severity of the crash. That week was horrible and it has taken me some time to feel better emotionally. I have been seeing a therapist who told me that I should keep writing because it is a great way to express yourself and heal.
I will start with the AMH results. In my last post, I explained that I was starting my third cycle of Clomid (if I recall correctly) and I was saying that again my FSH came back a bit elevated. The RE had then decided to test my AMH because of the FSH being high and the fact that it takes me an average of a year in between each pregnancies. I could feel that I would not receive great news but did not think that the results would be so low. At my age, 31, you should receive a result above 1. Mine came back at 0.4. When I got the call, my heart sank. I remember being upset all day, I was struggling at work. When I got home at night, I was really quiet and not talking and my husband could feel something was bothering me. When I finally talked to him, I lost it and was in tears and devastated. I explained to him that most likely I don't have that much time left to get pregnant and did not even know if I could ever have a child. As usual he was very comforting but my heart was aching terribly and felt so sad. The following day was tough but I went to work and tried to focus on other things. This is where the accident comes into the picture. The AMH results came on Tuesday..... Wednesday was a tough day but got through it...... I decided to go to the gym on Thursday morning and take a kick butt spinning class in order to regroup myself and keep going with my life..............
As I was driving to the gym at around 9am, a lady ran a stop sign and hit me full speed driver side. I had the right of way and was on the main road, she came from a side street. She did not stop......... and almost took my life away. The hit was incredible, it felt like an explosion. I will always remember that horrible sound when her van hit me. The rest is a bit blurry but it seems that my car spun and it came to a stop when it hit a power pole (on the back of my car). I can't really describe what my car looked like afterwards, I will let you look at the pictures and see for yourself:

I am lucky to be alive today. I was transported by ambulance on a stretcher as we had no idea what my injuries were . I got cut all over my left arm from the glass. There was blood everywhere. I had an enormous contusion on my left hand, I suffered a black eye and lots and lots of horrible bruises, the seatbelt burnt me and I had a horrible black blue yellow bruise on the left on my neck. I could not move my neck and was so scared. I was in pain and laying down for a week after the accident. I have gone through several scans, testings, and MRIs. We just got the results from the neck one. I have a lesion on one of my cervical disks. I have been in alot of pain, mostly in my neck and back since the crash. As you know, I own a dance studio and it has been affecting my professional life and personal one of course. As I am slowly returning to normal, I am just wondering what I have done to deserve all this. As if getting that horrible AMH result wasn't enough.
Well, I am still here and feeling a bit better. We were finally able to go get my new car on Friday. I went with a mini SUV and it feels so big for me (4 ' 11'' Frenchie) but I feel very safe in it and driving is becoming easier each day. The accident was very traumatic but I am thankful for being here today. If you look at the back of the car, behing the driver's seat, you can see that if I had a passenger on that day, it would not have been pretty.  I keep telling myself that maybe this is the reason why we did not have children..............
I have to go to court tomorrow as the lady is fighting her ticket!!!! Wow, I am stunned but I have to do it. I will keep you posted on my condition. I had to put my last cycle of Clomid on hold because of this horrible chapter but I am now patiently waiting for AF in order to try one last time with Clomid. Will life ever give me a break? I surely hope so.....

The Past Two Months

I have not been posting much lately. Been really busy and wanted to wait a bit to tell you more.
Well, within the past two months, I got two more FSH testing, one was 9.2 and the other 10.6. So overall, my FSH is higher than what a 31 year old should be. GREAT! This has been so hard to deal with but I am hanging in there. All along I thought that the balanced translocation was my enemy but to find out, FSH is an enemy as well!!! I went back this past Monday to draw more blood. Since the RE was concerned about the FSH, he decided to test my AMH to see what my ovarian reserve looks like. Well, let me tell you that I am not eager to receive that phone call!!! I am terrified to get an aweful result. I keep telling myself "why oh why???" I guess I will keep you posted in a later post about the results.
So at the end of January the RE had me start Clomid. The first two cycles at 50 mg did not work. I am on the third cycle and took 100 mg on CD 3-7. This time we monitored with ultrasounds. On CD 10 my left ovary had 5 follicles, one big one, 3 medium ones, and a small one. Nothing on the right. I went back on CD 12 and 3 had shrunk, there was still a medium one, and the big one had taken over. It was a bit over 22mm and my lining was 9.2mm if I recall correctly. The RE was pleased that my body produced follicles and he said that if nothing is wrong with hubby's swimmers and BD is done on time, we should maybe achieve pregnancy this cycle. Of course, I know it's not a guarantee. (Plus even if I get pregnant, I have to worry about the egg being UBT, ugghhhhh). Anyhow, I got a trigger shot on Monday a.m. It is now Wednesday. I have to go back tomorrow for another one and again on Monday, I guess to boost things up. At least the follie and the lining looked good. I wished for more follies to get more targets but I have to stay positive and remember that at least a few things looked good this cycle!
Fingers crossed...

Another Road Block?!

I called the RE office today to see if they had my results from the day 3 FSH levels and other tests that they had done. I had called once and they did not have them back and then got too busy so I was finally able to call today. Anyhow, my thyroid is fine, the estradiol level was fine also. But now I am worried that we have another thing to worry about. My FSH was elevated (12.7). The nurse said that they like to see it under 10 at their center. I have been doing a bit of reading and some centers like it under 9 or 10 or 11. I guess you have to repeat the test to see if it is an indication of poor ovarian reserve. The nurse was a little concerned since she said it was elevated and I am young (well, 31) but she said it can fluctuate from one month to another. So now I feel like I have hit another roadblock. Could the elevated FSH be related to having balanced translocation?
I have to go in on Thursday to test for progesterone to see if I ovulated. The RE wants to give me a boost once I ovulate.
I was hopeful that maybe Clomid could work for us since trying naturally is our only outlet. I asked the nurse if she thought that I could still conceive given the poor FSH result and taking Clomid and she said that it could happen. She did not seem too positive though (although she was extremely nice with me!).
Well, I guess it's the 2ww game now and more to worry about..... great!

Visit with a RE and the Start of Clomid

I was referred to a RE by a mom from the dance studio who has had some problems getting pregnant a few years back. I was looking for a new OB/GYN office/practice and she recommended this doctor. Although they don't do obstetrics, I still went because I figured that I could get some answers and the opinion of a specialist. He was very nice and sat with me for more than an hour in his office discussing balanced translocation and infertility in general. I told him how when I asked one of my current OB/GYN if they could give me something to boost my ovulation she had said no, there was no reason to do that with me since I was getting pregnant on my own and my hormones were in the excellent range. The RE saw it otherwise. He said that we could try superovulation, try and produce more eggs with the hopes of getting a good one in there and most importantly fertlized. So this is when Clomid comes to this post. He wrote me a prescription and I guess we will see if taking it and trying naturally can increase my chances of a good egg. Let's hope so...... IVF isn't in our budget and the other medicine the RE talked about with possibly IUI does not seem to be in our budget as well. Yesterday's visit fell under specialist so I only had to pay my $30 copay and the medicine had no cost. It was covered. I was suprised about that, I guess I'll see if I get a bill in the mail from the insurance company.
He also drew blood for ovarian reserve. Hmmmm.... I am kind of scared that they will call me today and that the results are poor. Again, we will see I guess. I just happened that I had my appointment and my period at the same time, so the days worked perfect for blood work and all.
So this is the plan at the moment. Trying naturally with Clomid. As anyone had success with Clomid and balanced translocation, naturally? I was hopeful at first when he talked about it but it has been so rough, I don't know if this will help. I hope so.

New Background

Ok, I have changed my background and hope that this fixes the comment box problem. Please let me know if you can leave comments on here, thank you!

New Blog Design

I tried to change my blog over the weekend and used another background. It was very pretty but I found it hard to read and follow. But it messed up my entire layout!!! ha! I tried to fix it but it took me a long time so I got a bit frustrated ;-)
This is a temporary layout until I can find one that I like better. Hopefully, I will be able to find another layout/background that I like better very soon. In the meantime, you might come to my blog and see that it is different from day to day until I am satisfied ;-)

It was Just a Fluke I Guess

I thought that my period was here since I started spotting on Thursday (this would have been the shortest 2ww ever though) but it has completely stopped. I guess it was just a fluke. The weird thing is that I was cramping like if I was having my period on Thursday and Friday. I was sure that the bleeding would become heavier. No cramping yesterday or today (so far).
I am trying to look back at my week and see if maybe something could have triggered some bleeding. The only thing that happened out of the ordinary is on Wednesday. I took a crossfit class that morning that was very intense and pushed myself hard. At the end, I felt very light headed and like I was going to throw up. Well..... I actually had to run to the bathroom at the gym and put a cold rag on my face and I did not really throw up but I gagged a little (so sorry for tmi). Could this have triggered something in my body and cause some spotting and cramping? I work out a lot so I think it's very unlikely but I did push myself hard.
Anyhow.... I guess we will see if I do get a heavier period later on!

The Shortest 2ww Ever!

Hmmmm..... I am a little surprised that my period started again yesterday! Indeed, I had my period on Wednesday December 28th after a normal 28 day cycle (the previous one started on December 1st). So yesterday, January 12th, I was surprised to see brownish blood when using the bathroom. I put a liner in my undies, and there was a bit of brown on it at night when I got home. Cramping started like my period is here. But this would be the shortest 2ww ever since it has only been two weeks since my last period!!! I am freaking out a little. I don't want my body to start doing weird things (it's already hard with the translocation). I usually have longer cycles with the occasional weird 20 days (I think maybe once 18 days) cycle. But never two weeks. So when did I ovulate? It makes no sense! I was still bleeding from my 12/28/11 period on 1/2/12. If anyone out there knows anything or has any input, please let me know!
Besides that, all is pretty quiet here....

Happy New Year!

I don't have much to say but I wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year. Let's hope for many miracles this year. Many people that I know are pregnant, either for a while or just announcing their pregnancies. I somehow handle it pretty well. I have had this weird, serene feeling lately that it might happen soon for us but I don't want to write more about it (just a superstitious thing of me, don't want to jinx myself). So at this point we shall see what happens in the future.

The Holidays

Ever since two years ago when we suffered the loss of pregnancy #4 on Xmas Eve day, it has been hard to enjoy the Holidays. It's sad because Christmas has always been my favorite Holiday of all. I would get that Xmas spirit to the fullest but for the past two years I have seen a significant change. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy it but it is not the same. I still cannot understand how I could miscarry on my favorite Holiday (or on the day of the recital for that matter----- the two most important days of my year).
Then last year, our A/C-Heater Unit broke on December 15th and it was cold in Florida at that time. We spent last Xmas bundled under sweaters and blankets drinking hot cocoa warming ourselves up with space heaters because we did not have the funds to replace the A/C unit yet. Although the giggling of cuddling on the couch with my Hubby make great memories, it was another hard Christmas.
This year, the Holiday season started rough again and it made me wonder what the H*** on earth we did to deserve this. My car, which is not that old (but of course we are done paying it and warranty is over) broke at the beginning of December. Price tag to repair -------> not very pretty. Got several estimates and finally had to repair it. $1300 right before the Holidays. I am just thinking, are you kidding me?
Then, Monday night, our Basset Hound Boots that we've had for almost 11 years looked very sick and did not move all night. He is my Hubby's best friend and it was hard to see him sobbing as we thought it would be Boots' last night on earth. I could not believe that would happen again right before Xmas.
Well, Boots got better the following day and he is doing good today. We know he is very old and it might be his last Xmas but we wish that he can last longer, forever would be great ;-) Here is a picture of him guarding our Christmas tree :)

BUT, after these little troubles, something great is happening this year. My Mom has flown from France to come spend the Holidays with us. I am SO thrilled as I have not spent Xmas with my Mom for at least 12 years (I cannot remember exactly). She has been so kind to me, to us really. She has offered to pay for most of the repairs on my car and has pretty much bought all my Hubby's presents and got pretty much a new wardrobe for me. I have not asked for anything, as I never do. I know she does it from the bottom of her heart. She knows how hard the Holidays have been for us. But the best present this year is not a material one. The best one this year is the one of love. I feel blessed that I am spending the Holidays with the two people I love the most in this world, my Hubby and my Mom. And as Boots looks better, we will most likely have our three dogs with us as well this Christmas :) I will cherish this Christmas forever.
We have not reached parenthood yet but we never know what the future holds........ we just have to wait and see I guess. But right now, I am here with my loved ones. Of course, the pain of pregnancy loss is here and it's very real but I am happy to say that this year is going to be a Good Christmas!

Enjoying Some Time Off

Well, after the very tough time at around recital time in June and the pretty non-existent time off since then, I am finally able to really relax for a bit!
I went on a mini vacation last week. To be exact, I went on a girls only cruise (one of my friends was celebrating her 30th BDay). We sailed to the Bahamas.............. hhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuhhhhhhh...... can you say relaxation? Because of the ridiculous rates for data on my cell phone, I had turned off the data and roaming (I could only receive text messages for emergency). So, being so secluded and in the middle of the ocean, I finally relaxed. Something I had not done in a long time! No stress, nothing. I took so many power naps, ate good food, and enjoyed nice drinks.
As I was lounging on a chair overlooking the ocean, I started thinking about everything that I had gone through. Although I still have no children, I just kept thinking that I am still thankful for what I do have. I felt pretty lucky to be cruising in the Bahamas and enjoy a good time with my girls.
I am also on vacation until November 21st for Thanksgiving Break. The studio is closed so I get to relax more and enjoy time with my hubby who is also off.
Everything is pretty quiet on the baby side of our lives but I am really enjoying where I am mentally and physically right now.
Oh and another good thing happened. I had put my studies on hold because of finances but I actually obtained a scholarship that will allow me to finish! I am very happy and cannot wait to go back to school next Fall :)

That wraps it for now....

Back After A Long Silence

Hello Everyone,

It's been almost two months since my last post. Time goes by so fast. I also stay very busy and find it hard to sit in front of the computer and write. I am always on the go or doing something. BUT, I follow your blogs, I read them and tell myself, "Oh, I have to respond, I will do it later...... blah blah blah....."
For all of you with success stories, I want to say congratulations. For those who went through difficult times, I want to say that you are in my heart, and for the ones who are still trying (like me), I want to say Good Luck and keep hope in your heart.

I have been staying busy and keeping my mind occupied. I have been working out and eating a very clean diet, cutting all bad stuff and fast food. I have almost lost the 10 pounds that I had put on after all the miscarriages. It took some work and will power but I feel better. I am in a great place mentally as well. I have been reading alot of books. It relaxes me to read at night before I fall asleep and during the week-ends. I have not been focused on "getting pregnant." I actually enjoy my life at the moment and I am very happy about it. If a child is meant to be, then I guess only the future will tell!

A Plain Weird Cycle

I am not understanding how my body is working right now. I have never experienced this after any D&Cs or m/c's. I got my period after a 22 day cycle in July after the D&C of June 30. My period was extremely heavy and had lots of cramps. I remember ovulating early afterwards at about 10-11 days but I then started my next cycle on day 20. So it was very short, 19 day cycle. My period which is usually pretty long was extremely short, Wed afternoon, Thursday, and part of Friday, not heavy, no cramps...... that's not me, it has never been light and painless. I took HPT just in case something was up, of course BFN. Anyhow, I am now ovulating again! Cervical mucus, pain in ovaries, and low temp. Wow, I am only on day 9. What is happening?! Maybe my body needs more time to re-adjust. I am going to keep an eye on the next few cycles and see. Well....... it could be hormonal too, I am getting older and it might be different. Will see.......... I just thought it was plain weird!

Poked, AF, and finally......... VACATION!

Hello everyone,

I went in this week to do another blood work to see if something else, beside BT, could be causing recurring miscarriages. One of the doctors had ordered the test a long time ago and I never did it. The first time they gave me the prescription, it was coded under infertility and my insurance isn't great coverage so I was scared as how much it would cost me. Anyhow... they wrote me a new one coded under pregnancy and it was covered 100%.... that's good! I do believe that the test is to see if my body (killer cells, not sure) is attacking the fetus. I am pretty sure that this is not the case but it was the last test that could be done. I have been tested for every problem possible I believe. So here again, I was poked once more. But then again, I did not expect to be diagnosed with BT when I got tested for that. We shall see...

Oh, so AF showed up yesterday, again. A 19 days cycle, huh?! I already had my period after the D&C after a 22 days cycle. Maybe my body needs time to re-adjust. I usually have long cycles. Weird.

And finally!!! After a very rough past few months, I finally have some time off!!!!! 11 days without going to the studio..... somewhat of a vacation!!!! We are not going anywhere as my Hubby is going back to work on Monday but I am looking forward to some time to relax and most importantly recharge my "batteries" before a new dance year! I am planning on going to Zumba classes, reading, tanning, taking care of my house, and spending some time with my three doggies :) Yay!

I forgot..... it's also my B-Day weekend, whoo hoo! I will be 31 on Sunday. Looking back, I thought that I would be done with starting our family by now, with maybe two kids. But life wasn't meant to be that way for me I guess. But I am thankful and greatful anyway. We have a house, I have a great Hubby, I have my dream job, wonderful pets, great friends, etc...and the list goes on.... Although I still want something else, I have to realize that I am a lucky girl.

And I still have hope........ we will try again........ and maybe someday........ we will succeed!

Guests

Tonight we are going out to celebrate a friend's birthday. Some of our friends will be coming back to our house afterwards because they live too far to drive late at night. But they are not the only guests that we are hosting this weekend. AF showed up last night, hmmm?! Only three weeks after D&C. I am not complaining, I think it's great my body is going back on track quite rapidly. I usually get it pretty quickly after m/c's but I think it was the quickest. It also makes me feel better since OB did not draw anymore blood. At least I know that levels have gone down.
Well, I am starting back my gym routine on Monday since camps are over and now AF, I can officially say that I am back to the routine. It feels great!
We have decided to just see what happens and try naturally for now. I will be turning 31 in August. I want to wait a few more years and see. I know that we have options so it makes me feel a tad better.
Considering DE and DEmbryo if naturally does not work out. I have come to terms with this, I feel good about it. It makes life easier and I want to enjoy it to the fullest! Have a great weekend everyone :)

Back to the Routine

So it has been three weeks since the D&C. Everything went fine with the procedure. No complications, no heavy bleeding also. It lasted about a week. I do believe that my body is getting back to normal and feel that I ovulated and I am getting pre-menstrual cramps since this morning. So I am just waiting for AF to arrive.
First cycle since April.............. since that nightmare of a month and a half.
I went to my follow-up appointment on Monday and I am very disappointed with the ob/gyn. There are a few things that left a sour taste in my mouth the past few years. This past non-successful pregnancy has been tough and that ob/gyn practice has not met my personal standards. This past Monday was the breaking point though. Starting next week, I will be looking for a new practice. I need to find doctors that understand BT a bit more (I know it will be difficult but I am sure I can find someone who understands it or at least is a bit more sensitive to my delicate situation). The doctor did not even ask to check my levels (first time in 6 m/c's), he only did a quick internal exam. He also told me to stop trying to get pregnant on my own. Wow.... I know it's hard but it can happen. Unfortunately I do not have the resources to do IVF or Donor Eggs. My insurance does not cover it. He told me to just go straight to donor eggs and gave me the name of a reproductive clinic with some great specialists. I told him that we did not consider it at this time. I also quickly explained that over the years I had to come to terms with the donor eggs idea. Although I am totally open to this option now, when I first m/c at the age of 25, I had a hard time with thinking about donor eggs. It took time to understand but if I could do donor eggs, I would so do it! (I want to thank LisainSK for reinforcing this idea). I told the doctor that it took me a long time coming to terms with the fact that it would be my husband genetics and not mine. What made me so mad (this is why I am done with them) is that the doctor did not even look at me in the eyes and was writing something on my chart and responded without any regards to my feelings: "well..... it's better than nothing." He then said take care and left the room. Wow.... really?! It is time for a new ob/gyn. If anyone knows a good doctor in the Tampa Bay area, please let me know. A mom from the studio gave me a name and I am going to call and see.

Other than that, I am almost done with the crazy schedule of three weeks of dance camps (9am-5pm) followed by summer classes (6pm-9pm). I miss my zumba classes and I am starting again on Monday!!! Yay!!!

I am looking forward to going back to my normal routine.

I'm back and I'm ok..... but I will write more later

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to let you know that I had the D&C last Thursday and I am OK. I will write more about how I am feeling later as I have been very busy with dance camps at the studio and I am gone about 14-15 hours each day. I promise to catch up on reading everyone's blogs and I will keep you updated on my condition.

Even going through this very difficult time..... I'm doing OK. Just wanted my blogging family to know :)