Thursday, April 14, 2011

Just Wanted to Share

For some reason, this week, I found myself thinking back in time alot. I don't really know why...... emotional, I guess, or just PMS"ing". Anyhow.... I "looked" back and thought about the first time I found out I was pregnant. Oh my.... it was so unexpected. I had not been taking my birth control correctly. As we were not planning on having children yet at that time, I was indeed on birth control but for some reason I wasn't serious with taking it starting at a certain time, at around 25 years old. Anyways, I got pregnant (maybe it was a sign. Something was wrong with me and if I would have taken it longer, who knows when I would have found out about this cruel BT). I will always remember the shock......but really, the joy. This overwhelming feeling taking over me. There was a life inside of me and I was going to be a Mommie, we were going to be parents. Wow... I did not know about BT, so I was ignorant (in pregnancy matters). I told everyone around me. I remember talking through a webcam with my mom and showing the BFP that was spelled out (digital hpt): "pregnant." Anyhow... we all know that the outcome was not good and I ended up miscarrying. As I was thinking back, I got so furious. I will never get that moment back!!! Even when I do get pregnant, I can't be excited. This is it... the one time I got pregnant at 25 and got that happy, happy, happy feeling will NEVER COME BACK. It sucks.....

Another thing that for some reason I have been thinking about and kinda been obsessing over is how I found out about my BT. I mean the day I got the diagnosis. After the second m/c, a few minutes before I was about to be rolled into the OR for my D&C, the doctor asked if I wanted to test the fetus. I said yes. I was still not thinking anything was wrong with me, I just wanted to know. Just bad luck I thought. Anyhow... results came back baby had a chromosome abnormality, a.k.a. unbalanced translocation (UBT). My OB/GYN said that we should get tested just in case but I remember her saying "but it's probably nothing." We both got tested and waited for our results. To be quite honest, I was not even worried that anything was wrong with me or Hubby. I thought it would come back normal.............. wow........ I was wrong. And now I recall that phone conversation. OB and I had been playing phone tag alot that day. I was really busy working, not able to pick up the phone, when I called back she wasn't available, etc... Well, when the phone rang and I was finally able to pick it up, I did........... but I was in my car.........driving! It was a quick conversation and all I recall is you have balanced translocation. She explained briefly........ I was trying to focus on my driving and I remember asking: "can I still have children?" (that's all I was interested of knowing) and she responded: "sure you can." Anyways... I went home and started reading on it. SHOCK............ all I could see were the words "recurring m/c's, infertility." Oh sadness... Well, I later went to genetic counseling and testings and whatever, and blah blah blah. I am so mad..... I found out about BT in my car!!!!

Well, almost 6 years later....... still not baby. Dreams crushed, I started an altered lifestyle for myself so I would not feel too bad about myself. Wow........... I am sorry if this is long and I am venting..... I guess I kept it inside for so long and for some reason, I had to let it out...... just wanted to share that time of my life!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Still here...... but nothing exciting


Well, I am still around but life isn't exciting. The usual routine, gym, work, dance, home, sleep, etc... of course I've had another period since my last post :-( Hubby and I are SOOOOO busy that there isn't much action going on. This cycle won't be the one either. Oh well...... I am used to it.
Some friends of mine had their babies this past month. I can't even go on my FB page because you see all the pictures on the wall and it gets annoying!
My best friend moved about 45 minutes away from us in order to get closer to her husband's job. We were so close, it's hard. We don't get to talk much...... same here, when I log on to FB I get to see pictures of her two little ones and the fun family times they have. Although I am very very happy for her, it is hard to seat back and witness all of this.
Many moms are pregnant (of course) at the studio and I get to listen to conversations about babies, etc... ggrrrrrr....... the sad part is that most of them are way younger than me! And they already have other children.
I get to hear alot: "you don't have any children yet, why? you don't want them?"........... I am getting really good at just answering: "we are trying.... if it happens, it happens, if not, then I guess it wasn't meant to be." Then, I usually walk away.

I have been working really hard at the gym and the results are paying off. I get alot of comments from people about my arms and how fit I look............ well, at least I have that for myself!