Thursday, June 23, 2011

Sad News.... The Pregnancy has Ended

Unfortunately today, our follow up ultrasound revealed some sad news. At 7w4d, no heartbeat. Our lo is gone.
I've had some spotting for 11 days now and many signs were not good from the start..... but we were still a little hopeful.
Dates were off, the shape of the pregnancy sac was irregular on initial u/s, levels not doubling, spotting, no symptoms.......... deep in my heart I knew. I have gone through this many times now. It resembled my first two pregnancies.Unfortunately this happens at a horrible time for me. I own a dance studio and I am the director as well. Our end of the year performance is Tuesday. We have tech rehearsals all week-end and starting Monday we have a full day of dress rehearsal and then the show is Tuesday night.
Here is the plan: we scheduled a D&C for next Thursday. I wanted to see if it would happen on its own in the meantime but man...... I have to be at rehearsals and even dance, wow..... talk about playing with the cards that have been dealt for you! Maybe it's best if it does not happen and I can last until Thursday. I wanted to avoid a D&C but then I have a few days off and have to start summer camps, I might as well. I can't grieve at this point as I have so many last minute things to prepare, I guess I will do so on Wednesday when the show is over.
I am doing ok, I guess. The doctor is also making me do some other tests to make sure that nothing else is wrong. Hubby and I are going to try and enjoy a few days off next week (probably after surgery) and then slowly but surely, we will try again. It has to happen at some point right?!
Well, my fellow followers, thanks for reading this and for all your support. This loss is a bit easier on me as I am able to share my feelings with people who understand. I hope to write again very soon about (hopefully) a successful pregnancy.

So far:
6 m/c's > 9 weeks
We will resume ttc #1 very soon... still hopeful

Thursday, June 16, 2011

We have..... a Heartbeat

Oh..... what an emotional pregnancy this has been so far! As mentioned in my previous post, spotting started last Sunday and it seems too familiar as I have spotted in all my pregnancies and they all ended badly. As I went in today for my follow-up appointment, I was sure we would see a big fat nothing, let's be real, the spotting looked pretty bad yesterday (who spots like that in a healthy pregnancy?!..... I have read that it actually happens alot but because of the BT I associate it to be a negative thing).
Well, to my surprise, the heartbeat was there and the baby has signanfically grown since last Thursday. The growth seems to be on track from previous ultrasounds but I still believe that my dates are off a bit. I had the exact scenario in three of my pregnancies.
It measures 6w4d, which the doctor says that the date of conception could be around 11-13th of May. Huummm..... but I found out on HPT on May 17th. It seems odd. I know that ultrasounds are not a 100% and the dates could be off by a few days which I could be a little further along which would mean that I could still be in a normal range. Who knows.... it just seems that it started off. Also the numbers not doubling is a bit alarming to me. The doctor seemed fine with where we are at this point and I will be monitored weekly to see the progress.
Oh and the EDD is the day after our anniversary. Crossing fingers that this is a keeper. Ok I should stop focusing on the negative and making comparisons with the past pregnancies, let's try to stay positive!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Déja Vu

Today is "déja vu" for us. Indeed, I started spotting last evening. You can imagine our disappointment. Although the irregular pregnancy sac and slow rising HCG levels were warning signs, I still had a little bit of hope in me. I am going to wait before calling the OB/GYN as I already have lived this scenario (5 times). I have a follow-up appointment on Thursday which should have checked for a heartbeat. I don't think that we will see anything. If I did not have BT, I might be a little bit more at ease (my friend had some spotting with her second pregnancy and her baby is perfectly normal) but knowing my history, spotting is NOT a good sign. I also feel a few twinges in my lower abdomen.
Hubby and I sobbed for a short time on the couch last night and hugged each other. We said that we will get through this again and keep going. He hates seeing me in pain and it was difficult looking at him looking at me with fear and tears in his eyes. I told him that I will be just fine, as long as I have him by my side. Today also marks the two weeks 'til recital. It is going to be extremely difficult but I will be busy and I will just dance my heart out. Hubby and I decided that the week following recital we will go away and have some cocktails (yes!!!!--- unless this is a fluke kind of spotting, but I don't think so, it looks too familiar).
Although the future of this pregnancy isn't promising, I am grateful for alot of things. An awesome Hubby, awesome friends, being able to do what I love for a living, and many many other things. I also thank you, my blogging friends, for your help and support. It has made this difficult journey easier. Being able to share stories with people that understand as they have gone through the same thing is making this hard time a bit easier to deal with. I don't lose hope and it might happen someday...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Update- what a roller coaster ride!

So I went in today for a follow-up ultrasound. Since the OB told me Monday that the shape of the pregnancy sac was irregular and we saw nothing in it, I did not have high hopes. Well, the yolk sac and fetal pole were there today, no cardiac activity but the OB who performed ultrasound said it seems to be too early and I would be somewhere in the 5th week (it seems a bit off unless I ovulated later, and I got +HPT on 5/17/11). So I go back next week to see if heartbeat starts.
Also, I finally got HCG levels back. Well, they started high for me: 6338 on Monday 6/6/11 but they did not double. 7779 on Wednesday. :( Doc is concerned that they did not go as high as they would have liked. But he said it can happen. Some women's levels do not follow normal guidelines. Knowing of the BT though, like he said, it's still 50-50 at this point. My levels have never been that high that early on, I wish they would have doubled. Oh well.... I guess we will see. I have been walking around since Monday not feeling pregnant anymore and now we saw some progress and I am still on hold..... huhhhh......

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

No Results Yet

Well, I went today for my second blood draw and I asked if they had the results from Monday and the nurse said they did not have them back yet. Weird... they usually get them back quickly. So at this point, I still don't know where we stand. I had bad cramping on Monday and yesterday but I think it was due to the internal exam and the transvaginal ultrasound. I was better last night and nothing today. I have another ultrasound tomorrow to see if things have changed. I don't know. My dates could be wrong. My hopes are not high. I talked to my Mom who does not agree with my OB/GYN process about doing things. Long story, I like the office but I feel like I am just a number when I go there. They are nice to me and do console me when we get bad news but still. I felt a little annoyed on Monday when I had to re-discuss that I had balanced translocation and the doctor was giving me the odds and reading what the genetic report states (when I have it at home!!!!! I know it by heart!!! I could repeat it word for word). The practice has 6 or 7 doctors. I feel like I should maybe start looking for a smaller practice with a doctor that would know my case and maybe be more sensitive. I don't know. They also did not want to just test my levels, they wanted me to come in and get everything done. So I had to fill out all the pregnancy papers, etc... Is that normal? Even if they know my condition and I called to ask if I could bypass that process.
Well, at the moment I have to see what happens tomorrow.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Well, it does not look good so far but will need more testings to see what's happening.
The ultrasound revealed only a sac but we could not see anything in it. According to my last period (it started April 19th very very light and did not get heavier until about the 22nd or 23rd), I should be in my 6th week. I don't know exactly when I ovulated, I remember my hubby and I being intimate between May 1st and May 13th alot. I took HPT on May 17th, very faint line and I had brown spotting that day (could it have been implantation spotting and then I am too early?). My dates could be thrown off. But the OB said she was concerned as the shape of the sac looked irregular, not smooth. Everytime I've had an ultrasound, it is always the same case, I think I am further and we can only see a sac. I guess it just grows slowly :( We are doing another blood draw on Wednesday with an additional u/s on Thursday to see if anything is growing.
I don't know what to expect but to be honest, I don't feel it in my heart. My boobs are not as sore and I've had this pain on my right side (like pulling). 
My husband took me to breakfast afterwards and have been the sweetest, it helps alot. I am going to immerse myself in my work and if this is not the one, I hope it passes quickly so I can move forward soon.
I appreciate all of you stopping on my blog and giving me words of encouragement, it means alot!