Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Holidays

Ever since two years ago when we suffered the loss of pregnancy #4 on Xmas Eve day, it has been hard to enjoy the Holidays. It's sad because Christmas has always been my favorite Holiday of all. I would get that Xmas spirit to the fullest but for the past two years I have seen a significant change. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy it but it is not the same. I still cannot understand how I could miscarry on my favorite Holiday (or on the day of the recital for that matter----- the two most important days of my year).
Then last year, our A/C-Heater Unit broke on December 15th and it was cold in Florida at that time. We spent last Xmas bundled under sweaters and blankets drinking hot cocoa warming ourselves up with space heaters because we did not have the funds to replace the A/C unit yet. Although the giggling of cuddling on the couch with my Hubby make great memories, it was another hard Christmas.
This year, the Holiday season started rough again and it made me wonder what the H*** on earth we did to deserve this. My car, which is not that old (but of course we are done paying it and warranty is over) broke at the beginning of December. Price tag to repair -------> not very pretty. Got several estimates and finally had to repair it. $1300 right before the Holidays. I am just thinking, are you kidding me?
Then, Monday night, our Basset Hound Boots that we've had for almost 11 years looked very sick and did not move all night. He is my Hubby's best friend and it was hard to see him sobbing as we thought it would be Boots' last night on earth. I could not believe that would happen again right before Xmas.
Well, Boots got better the following day and he is doing good today. We know he is very old and it might be his last Xmas but we wish that he can last longer, forever would be great ;-) Here is a picture of him guarding our Christmas tree :)

BUT, after these little troubles, something great is happening this year. My Mom has flown from France to come spend the Holidays with us. I am SO thrilled as I have not spent Xmas with my Mom for at least 12 years (I cannot remember exactly). She has been so kind to me, to us really. She has offered to pay for most of the repairs on my car and has pretty much bought all my Hubby's presents and got pretty much a new wardrobe for me. I have not asked for anything, as I never do. I know she does it from the bottom of her heart. She knows how hard the Holidays have been for us. But the best present this year is not a material one. The best one this year is the one of love. I feel blessed that I am spending the Holidays with the two people I love the most in this world, my Hubby and my Mom. And as Boots looks better, we will most likely have our three dogs with us as well this Christmas :) I will cherish this Christmas forever.
We have not reached parenthood yet but we never know what the future holds........ we just have to wait and see I guess. But right now, I am here with my loved ones. Of course, the pain of pregnancy loss is here and it's very real but I am happy to say that this year is going to be a Good Christmas!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Enjoying Some Time Off

Well, after the very tough time at around recital time in June and the pretty non-existent time off since then, I am finally able to really relax for a bit!
I went on a mini vacation last week. To be exact, I went on a girls only cruise (one of my friends was celebrating her 30th BDay). We sailed to the Bahamas.............. hhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuhhhhhhh...... can you say relaxation? Because of the ridiculous rates for data on my cell phone, I had turned off the data and roaming (I could only receive text messages for emergency). So, being so secluded and in the middle of the ocean, I finally relaxed. Something I had not done in a long time! No stress, nothing. I took so many power naps, ate good food, and enjoyed nice drinks.
As I was lounging on a chair overlooking the ocean, I started thinking about everything that I had gone through. Although I still have no children, I just kept thinking that I am still thankful for what I do have. I felt pretty lucky to be cruising in the Bahamas and enjoy a good time with my girls.
I am also on vacation until November 21st for Thanksgiving Break. The studio is closed so I get to relax more and enjoy time with my hubby who is also off.
Everything is pretty quiet on the baby side of our lives but I am really enjoying where I am mentally and physically right now.
Oh and another good thing happened. I had put my studies on hold because of finances but I actually obtained a scholarship that will allow me to finish! I am very happy and cannot wait to go back to school next Fall :)

That wraps it for now....

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Back After A Long Silence

Hello Everyone,

It's been almost two months since my last post. Time goes by so fast. I also stay very busy and find it hard to sit in front of the computer and write. I am always on the go or doing something. BUT, I follow your blogs, I read them and tell myself, "Oh, I have to respond, I will do it later...... blah blah blah....."
For all of you with success stories, I want to say congratulations. For those who went through difficult times, I want to say that you are in my heart, and for the ones who are still trying (like me), I want to say Good Luck and keep hope in your heart.

I have been staying busy and keeping my mind occupied. I have been working out and eating a very clean diet, cutting all bad stuff and fast food. I have almost lost the 10 pounds that I had put on after all the miscarriages. It took some work and will power but I feel better. I am in a great place mentally as well. I have been reading alot of books. It relaxes me to read at night before I fall asleep and during the week-ends. I have not been focused on "getting pregnant." I actually enjoy my life at the moment and I am very happy about it. If a child is meant to be, then I guess only the future will tell!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Plain Weird Cycle

I am not understanding how my body is working right now. I have never experienced this after any D&Cs or m/c's. I got my period after a 22 day cycle in July after the D&C of June 30. My period was extremely heavy and had lots of cramps. I remember ovulating early afterwards at about 10-11 days but I then started my next cycle on day 20. So it was very short, 19 day cycle. My period which is usually pretty long was extremely short, Wed afternoon, Thursday, and part of Friday, not heavy, no cramps...... that's not me, it has never been light and painless. I took HPT just in case something was up, of course BFN. Anyhow, I am now ovulating again! Cervical mucus, pain in ovaries, and low temp. Wow, I am only on day 9. What is happening?! Maybe my body needs more time to re-adjust. I am going to keep an eye on the next few cycles and see. Well....... it could be hormonal too, I am getting older and it might be different. Will see.......... I just thought it was plain weird!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Poked, AF, and finally......... VACATION!

Hello everyone,

I went in this week to do another blood work to see if something else, beside BT, could be causing recurring miscarriages. One of the doctors had ordered the test a long time ago and I never did it. The first time they gave me the prescription, it was coded under infertility and my insurance isn't great coverage so I was scared as how much it would cost me. Anyhow... they wrote me a new one coded under pregnancy and it was covered 100%.... that's good! I do believe that the test is to see if my body (killer cells, not sure) is attacking the fetus. I am pretty sure that this is not the case but it was the last test that could be done. I have been tested for every problem possible I believe. So here again, I was poked once more. But then again, I did not expect to be diagnosed with BT when I got tested for that. We shall see...

Oh, so AF showed up yesterday, again. A 19 days cycle, huh?! I already had my period after the D&C after a 22 days cycle. Maybe my body needs time to re-adjust. I usually have long cycles. Weird.

And finally!!! After a very rough past few months, I finally have some time off!!!!! 11 days without going to the studio..... somewhat of a vacation!!!! We are not going anywhere as my Hubby is going back to work on Monday but I am looking forward to some time to relax and most importantly recharge my "batteries" before a new dance year! I am planning on going to Zumba classes, reading, tanning, taking care of my house, and spending some time with my three doggies :) Yay!

I forgot..... it's also my B-Day weekend, whoo hoo! I will be 31 on Sunday. Looking back, I thought that I would be done with starting our family by now, with maybe two kids. But life wasn't meant to be that way for me I guess. But I am thankful and greatful anyway. We have a house, I have a great Hubby, I have my dream job, wonderful pets, great friends, etc...and the list goes on.... Although I still want something else, I have to realize that I am a lucky girl.

And I still have hope........ we will try again........ and maybe someday........ we will succeed!

Saturday, July 23, 2011


Tonight we are going out to celebrate a friend's birthday. Some of our friends will be coming back to our house afterwards because they live too far to drive late at night. But they are not the only guests that we are hosting this weekend. AF showed up last night, hmmm?! Only three weeks after D&C. I am not complaining, I think it's great my body is going back on track quite rapidly. I usually get it pretty quickly after m/c's but I think it was the quickest. It also makes me feel better since OB did not draw anymore blood. At least I know that levels have gone down.
Well, I am starting back my gym routine on Monday since camps are over and now AF, I can officially say that I am back to the routine. It feels great!
We have decided to just see what happens and try naturally for now. I will be turning 31 in August. I want to wait a few more years and see. I know that we have options so it makes me feel a tad better.
Considering DE and DEmbryo if naturally does not work out. I have come to terms with this, I feel good about it. It makes life easier and I want to enjoy it to the fullest! Have a great weekend everyone :)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Back to the Routine

So it has been three weeks since the D&C. Everything went fine with the procedure. No complications, no heavy bleeding also. It lasted about a week. I do believe that my body is getting back to normal and feel that I ovulated and I am getting pre-menstrual cramps since this morning. So I am just waiting for AF to arrive.
First cycle since April.............. since that nightmare of a month and a half.
I went to my follow-up appointment on Monday and I am very disappointed with the ob/gyn. There are a few things that left a sour taste in my mouth the past few years. This past non-successful pregnancy has been tough and that ob/gyn practice has not met my personal standards. This past Monday was the breaking point though. Starting next week, I will be looking for a new practice. I need to find doctors that understand BT a bit more (I know it will be difficult but I am sure I can find someone who understands it or at least is a bit more sensitive to my delicate situation). The doctor did not even ask to check my levels (first time in 6 m/c's), he only did a quick internal exam. He also told me to stop trying to get pregnant on my own. Wow.... I know it's hard but it can happen. Unfortunately I do not have the resources to do IVF or Donor Eggs. My insurance does not cover it. He told me to just go straight to donor eggs and gave me the name of a reproductive clinic with some great specialists. I told him that we did not consider it at this time. I also quickly explained that over the years I had to come to terms with the donor eggs idea. Although I am totally open to this option now, when I first m/c at the age of 25, I had a hard time with thinking about donor eggs. It took time to understand but if I could do donor eggs, I would so do it! (I want to thank LisainSK for reinforcing this idea). I told the doctor that it took me a long time coming to terms with the fact that it would be my husband genetics and not mine. What made me so mad (this is why I am done with them) is that the doctor did not even look at me in the eyes and was writing something on my chart and responded without any regards to my feelings: "well..... it's better than nothing." He then said take care and left the room. Wow.... really?! It is time for a new ob/gyn. If anyone knows a good doctor in the Tampa Bay area, please let me know. A mom from the studio gave me a name and I am going to call and see.

Other than that, I am almost done with the crazy schedule of three weeks of dance camps (9am-5pm) followed by summer classes (6pm-9pm). I miss my zumba classes and I am starting again on Monday!!! Yay!!!

I am looking forward to going back to my normal routine.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I'm back and I'm ok..... but I will write more later

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to let you know that I had the D&C last Thursday and I am OK. I will write more about how I am feeling later as I have been very busy with dance camps at the studio and I am gone about 14-15 hours each day. I promise to catch up on reading everyone's blogs and I will keep you updated on my condition.

Even going through this very difficult time..... I'm doing OK. Just wanted my blogging family to know :)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Sad News.... The Pregnancy has Ended

Unfortunately today, our follow up ultrasound revealed some sad news. At 7w4d, no heartbeat. Our lo is gone.
I've had some spotting for 11 days now and many signs were not good from the start..... but we were still a little hopeful.
Dates were off, the shape of the pregnancy sac was irregular on initial u/s, levels not doubling, spotting, no symptoms.......... deep in my heart I knew. I have gone through this many times now. It resembled my first two pregnancies.Unfortunately this happens at a horrible time for me. I own a dance studio and I am the director as well. Our end of the year performance is Tuesday. We have tech rehearsals all week-end and starting Monday we have a full day of dress rehearsal and then the show is Tuesday night.
Here is the plan: we scheduled a D&C for next Thursday. I wanted to see if it would happen on its own in the meantime but man...... I have to be at rehearsals and even dance, wow..... talk about playing with the cards that have been dealt for you! Maybe it's best if it does not happen and I can last until Thursday. I wanted to avoid a D&C but then I have a few days off and have to start summer camps, I might as well. I can't grieve at this point as I have so many last minute things to prepare, I guess I will do so on Wednesday when the show is over.
I am doing ok, I guess. The doctor is also making me do some other tests to make sure that nothing else is wrong. Hubby and I are going to try and enjoy a few days off next week (probably after surgery) and then slowly but surely, we will try again. It has to happen at some point right?!
Well, my fellow followers, thanks for reading this and for all your support. This loss is a bit easier on me as I am able to share my feelings with people who understand. I hope to write again very soon about (hopefully) a successful pregnancy.

So far:
6 m/c's > 9 weeks
We will resume ttc #1 very soon... still hopeful

Thursday, June 16, 2011

We have..... a Heartbeat

Oh..... what an emotional pregnancy this has been so far! As mentioned in my previous post, spotting started last Sunday and it seems too familiar as I have spotted in all my pregnancies and they all ended badly. As I went in today for my follow-up appointment, I was sure we would see a big fat nothing, let's be real, the spotting looked pretty bad yesterday (who spots like that in a healthy pregnancy?!..... I have read that it actually happens alot but because of the BT I associate it to be a negative thing).
Well, to my surprise, the heartbeat was there and the baby has signanfically grown since last Thursday. The growth seems to be on track from previous ultrasounds but I still believe that my dates are off a bit. I had the exact scenario in three of my pregnancies.
It measures 6w4d, which the doctor says that the date of conception could be around 11-13th of May. Huummm..... but I found out on HPT on May 17th. It seems odd. I know that ultrasounds are not a 100% and the dates could be off by a few days which I could be a little further along which would mean that I could still be in a normal range. Who knows.... it just seems that it started off. Also the numbers not doubling is a bit alarming to me. The doctor seemed fine with where we are at this point and I will be monitored weekly to see the progress.
Oh and the EDD is the day after our anniversary. Crossing fingers that this is a keeper. Ok I should stop focusing on the negative and making comparisons with the past pregnancies, let's try to stay positive!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Déja Vu

Today is "déja vu" for us. Indeed, I started spotting last evening. You can imagine our disappointment. Although the irregular pregnancy sac and slow rising HCG levels were warning signs, I still had a little bit of hope in me. I am going to wait before calling the OB/GYN as I already have lived this scenario (5 times). I have a follow-up appointment on Thursday which should have checked for a heartbeat. I don't think that we will see anything. If I did not have BT, I might be a little bit more at ease (my friend had some spotting with her second pregnancy and her baby is perfectly normal) but knowing my history, spotting is NOT a good sign. I also feel a few twinges in my lower abdomen.
Hubby and I sobbed for a short time on the couch last night and hugged each other. We said that we will get through this again and keep going. He hates seeing me in pain and it was difficult looking at him looking at me with fear and tears in his eyes. I told him that I will be just fine, as long as I have him by my side. Today also marks the two weeks 'til recital. It is going to be extremely difficult but I will be busy and I will just dance my heart out. Hubby and I decided that the week following recital we will go away and have some cocktails (yes!!!!--- unless this is a fluke kind of spotting, but I don't think so, it looks too familiar).
Although the future of this pregnancy isn't promising, I am grateful for alot of things. An awesome Hubby, awesome friends, being able to do what I love for a living, and many many other things. I also thank you, my blogging friends, for your help and support. It has made this difficult journey easier. Being able to share stories with people that understand as they have gone through the same thing is making this hard time a bit easier to deal with. I don't lose hope and it might happen someday...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Update- what a roller coaster ride!

So I went in today for a follow-up ultrasound. Since the OB told me Monday that the shape of the pregnancy sac was irregular and we saw nothing in it, I did not have high hopes. Well, the yolk sac and fetal pole were there today, no cardiac activity but the OB who performed ultrasound said it seems to be too early and I would be somewhere in the 5th week (it seems a bit off unless I ovulated later, and I got +HPT on 5/17/11). So I go back next week to see if heartbeat starts.
Also, I finally got HCG levels back. Well, they started high for me: 6338 on Monday 6/6/11 but they did not double. 7779 on Wednesday. :( Doc is concerned that they did not go as high as they would have liked. But he said it can happen. Some women's levels do not follow normal guidelines. Knowing of the BT though, like he said, it's still 50-50 at this point. My levels have never been that high that early on, I wish they would have doubled. Oh well.... I guess we will see. I have been walking around since Monday not feeling pregnant anymore and now we saw some progress and I am still on hold..... huhhhh......

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

No Results Yet

Well, I went today for my second blood draw and I asked if they had the results from Monday and the nurse said they did not have them back yet. Weird... they usually get them back quickly. So at this point, I still don't know where we stand. I had bad cramping on Monday and yesterday but I think it was due to the internal exam and the transvaginal ultrasound. I was better last night and nothing today. I have another ultrasound tomorrow to see if things have changed. I don't know. My dates could be wrong. My hopes are not high. I talked to my Mom who does not agree with my OB/GYN process about doing things. Long story, I like the office but I feel like I am just a number when I go there. They are nice to me and do console me when we get bad news but still. I felt a little annoyed on Monday when I had to re-discuss that I had balanced translocation and the doctor was giving me the odds and reading what the genetic report states (when I have it at home!!!!! I know it by heart!!! I could repeat it word for word). The practice has 6 or 7 doctors. I feel like I should maybe start looking for a smaller practice with a doctor that would know my case and maybe be more sensitive. I don't know. They also did not want to just test my levels, they wanted me to come in and get everything done. So I had to fill out all the pregnancy papers, etc... Is that normal? Even if they know my condition and I called to ask if I could bypass that process.
Well, at the moment I have to see what happens tomorrow.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Well, it does not look good so far but will need more testings to see what's happening.
The ultrasound revealed only a sac but we could not see anything in it. According to my last period (it started April 19th very very light and did not get heavier until about the 22nd or 23rd), I should be in my 6th week. I don't know exactly when I ovulated, I remember my hubby and I being intimate between May 1st and May 13th alot. I took HPT on May 17th, very faint line and I had brown spotting that day (could it have been implantation spotting and then I am too early?). My dates could be thrown off. But the OB said she was concerned as the shape of the sac looked irregular, not smooth. Everytime I've had an ultrasound, it is always the same case, I think I am further and we can only see a sac. I guess it just grows slowly :( We are doing another blood draw on Wednesday with an additional u/s on Thursday to see if anything is growing.
I don't know what to expect but to be honest, I don't feel it in my heart. My boobs are not as sore and I've had this pain on my right side (like pulling). 
My husband took me to breakfast afterwards and have been the sweetest, it helps alot. I am going to immerse myself in my work and if this is not the one, I hope it passes quickly so I can move forward soon.
I appreciate all of you stopping on my blog and giving me words of encouragement, it means alot!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Here is the plan--- for now

Ok, so I was able to reach my OB/GYN office and talk to the nurse who had talked to the doctor in my favor. I am known there as I am considered a special case because of my BT and them seeing me for 2 D&Cs and three follow-ups natural miscarriages. I asked them to just do the levels for a few weeks but the doctor said that even if they were doubling, it does not mean that there are no problems with the pregnancy, especially with BT and the different combinations that can pass on. They want to make sure that all is in place from the start. So, I will be going in on June 6th, which (if everything keeps going accordingly) should be between 6-7 weeks. In the past, they made me come for early scans and blood draws and I would have to go back every two days for more scans because it looked small, did not grow fast, etc... We are trying to avoid that this time, they understand how emotional this is for me. All the nurses know what I have been going through, they know me by my first name when I call (and it's a pretty good size practice). I would worry about the level results and spend hours on google and looking what it meant and just getting myself totally crazy. I had told myself that if I would get pregnant again, I would just let it go for a while and see what happens. I guess we are doing that at this time, to a certain degree. I asked the nurse, "what if I start bleeding in the meantime" and of course she told me to call right away and they would see me right then.
I guess in a week or so, I could re-test myself at home and see what the line color is. It has been growing darker until now. If it becomes lighter, it could indicate that something is wrong (it happened like that in the past). So, for now, here is my plan...... go along, try to relax as much as I can and hopefully make it to June 6th without bleeding. Fingers crossed!

Monday, May 23, 2011

What to do?!

Huuhhh!!!! I am driving myself insane. I took another HPT this morning and had a very dark positive line. The line has gotten darker through the past couple of days but I know that it does not mean anything.
I just can't seem to be able to pick up the phone and call to get my levels tested. I was even considering getting another HPT and re-test at the end of the week and see what shade the line comes back. I know it's dumb..... and a waste of money. I am so scared to face the reality. I have a bit of a tingly sensation in my breast sometimes, I wasn't feeling good this morning, and have been really tired. Although those are signs, for us BTers, it does not mean much. I think I am more inclined to call my regular family doctor and see if they could check the levels and then take it from there. But then I find myself wondering, could they interpret the levels correctly since I have BT, levels are a good indication for me. Should I just bite the bullet and call my OB and maybe just ask if it would be ok for them just to test levels for now until we do any further testings?....... hhuuhhhhh.... I am driving myself nuts :( I want this little one to stick so bad but I am scared to face the reality of another disappointment. We have our dance performance on June 28th and if I go through another m/c, I am so scared that I am going to have to dance and smile and pretend all is well when inside I would be so crushed :( Sorry, I just had to let it out.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


As I announced in my previous post, I took a HPT on Tuesday that was positive but I started spotting and cramping that afternoon. Well, the spotting has completely stopped........ for now (knock on wood).
I am confused on what to do from here. I have suffered so much through 5 consecutive m/c's. I do not want to call my OB/GYN and go through the process of testing, poking, and no HB u/s. I am frightened. I am so scared to be disappointed...... once again. I just want to see what happens. If this ends up in a m/c, I would rather let it happen. Hhhuuhhhhh............. this isn't easy. Should I instead get my levels tested so I know where we stand?! I don't want to at the moment. I am scared to face the reality. I think I might wait until next week and see what happens. If it's still "ok", I will take it from there I guess.
I am putting a little hold on my weight lifting and zumba classes. Just for a week or so. Let's see first.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


This is how I feel today. So far it has been a crazy week, emotional.
My mom got her results from her karyotype and it came back normal, 46 XX. She does not have the translocation. My dad did not get tested but he has two children, me and my half sister. His family did not struggle with infertlity or losses. I am pretty conveived that I am de novo. I came to realize that I might be the first one to pass this on to a child and it is very hard to take in :(

On another note, I have taken a HPT on Tuesday, BFP (although the line is faint) but I started cramping (very intense) and spotting soon after. The spotting did not return today, except a yellowish discharge and no cramping, occasional pain. I think that the faint line and the spotting/cramping is just a sign that once again...this is not the one. We will have to see. I hope that if it isn't meant to be it will happen quick so I can move on. I was doing so good for myself. I want to keep going. If it is a good one......... well..........we shall see.....

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Blogger Award

Thirtiesgirl at Babies, Balanced Translocations, and Being in my 30's awarded me with a stylish blogger award. The Rules are:

 1. Link back to the person who gave you the award
2. Tell 7 things about yourself
3. Award other bloggers - The Stylish Blogger Award is to be awarded to 10 - 15 people.
4. Notify winners 

I'm going to give this to: 
Lavonne Our Wish

Seven things About Myself
1) I own three dogs. 2 Basset Hounds, Boots and Snoopy, and a Chihuahua, Rocky.
2) I own three cats. Coconut, Homie and Blackie (suddedly appeared on our porch about three years ago!!!)
3) I am only 4'11''
4) I speak French and English fluently
5) I own a dance studio. 175 students, also we have a competition team. Preparing our end of the year recital at this time. Dance is my passion!
6) I love going to the gym, lifting weights and ZUMBA classes!
7) I love dragonflies (I believe my little ones reincarnated into them and are flying around my house everyday!)


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Just Wanted to Share

For some reason, this week, I found myself thinking back in time alot. I don't really know why...... emotional, I guess, or just PMS"ing". Anyhow.... I "looked" back and thought about the first time I found out I was pregnant. Oh my.... it was so unexpected. I had not been taking my birth control correctly. As we were not planning on having children yet at that time, I was indeed on birth control but for some reason I wasn't serious with taking it starting at a certain time, at around 25 years old. Anyways, I got pregnant (maybe it was a sign. Something was wrong with me and if I would have taken it longer, who knows when I would have found out about this cruel BT). I will always remember the shock......but really, the joy. This overwhelming feeling taking over me. There was a life inside of me and I was going to be a Mommie, we were going to be parents. Wow... I did not know about BT, so I was ignorant (in pregnancy matters). I told everyone around me. I remember talking through a webcam with my mom and showing the BFP that was spelled out (digital hpt): "pregnant." Anyhow... we all know that the outcome was not good and I ended up miscarrying. As I was thinking back, I got so furious. I will never get that moment back!!! Even when I do get pregnant, I can't be excited. This is it... the one time I got pregnant at 25 and got that happy, happy, happy feeling will NEVER COME BACK. It sucks.....

Another thing that for some reason I have been thinking about and kinda been obsessing over is how I found out about my BT. I mean the day I got the diagnosis. After the second m/c, a few minutes before I was about to be rolled into the OR for my D&C, the doctor asked if I wanted to test the fetus. I said yes. I was still not thinking anything was wrong with me, I just wanted to know. Just bad luck I thought. Anyhow... results came back baby had a chromosome abnormality, a.k.a. unbalanced translocation (UBT). My OB/GYN said that we should get tested just in case but I remember her saying "but it's probably nothing." We both got tested and waited for our results. To be quite honest, I was not even worried that anything was wrong with me or Hubby. I thought it would come back normal.............. wow........ I was wrong. And now I recall that phone conversation. OB and I had been playing phone tag alot that day. I was really busy working, not able to pick up the phone, when I called back she wasn't available, etc... Well, when the phone rang and I was finally able to pick it up, I did........... but I was in my car.........driving! It was a quick conversation and all I recall is you have balanced translocation. She explained briefly........ I was trying to focus on my driving and I remember asking: "can I still have children?" (that's all I was interested of knowing) and she responded: "sure you can." Anyways... I went home and started reading on it. SHOCK............ all I could see were the words "recurring m/c's, infertility." Oh sadness... Well, I later went to genetic counseling and testings and whatever, and blah blah blah. I am so mad..... I found out about BT in my car!!!!

Well, almost 6 years later....... still not baby. Dreams crushed, I started an altered lifestyle for myself so I would not feel too bad about myself. Wow........... I am sorry if this is long and I am venting..... I guess I kept it inside for so long and for some reason, I had to let it out...... just wanted to share that time of my life!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Still here...... but nothing exciting


Well, I am still around but life isn't exciting. The usual routine, gym, work, dance, home, sleep, etc... of course I've had another period since my last post :-( Hubby and I are SOOOOO busy that there isn't much action going on. This cycle won't be the one either. Oh well...... I am used to it.
Some friends of mine had their babies this past month. I can't even go on my FB page because you see all the pictures on the wall and it gets annoying!
My best friend moved about 45 minutes away from us in order to get closer to her husband's job. We were so close, it's hard. We don't get to talk much...... same here, when I log on to FB I get to see pictures of her two little ones and the fun family times they have. Although I am very very happy for her, it is hard to seat back and witness all of this.
Many moms are pregnant (of course) at the studio and I get to listen to conversations about babies, etc... ggrrrrrr....... the sad part is that most of them are way younger than me! And they already have other children.
I get to hear alot: "you don't have any children yet, why? you don't want them?"........... I am getting really good at just answering: "we are trying.... if it happens, it happens, if not, then I guess it wasn't meant to be." Then, I usually walk away.

I have been working really hard at the gym and the results are paying off. I get alot of comments from people about my arms and how fit I look............ well, at least I have that for myself!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Busy and an Evil Cycle

I have been so busy that trying to post something has been really hard. There is not much to say actually except that I am working my butt off at the studio. There is some pressure there but I am trying not to worry about it too much and enjoy my life. I still attend the new gym I joined in January and love the classes that they have there, they are great!!! It's a great way for me to relieve stress and not think too much about my problems.
On another note, I had a long cycle (36 days). I call those "Evil cycles." They don't make life easy as you start to wonder if you could be pregnant! Of course, I tested at around day 32 but BFN. Plus, the last cycle I had was only 20 days. I thought I had regular cycles but it seems that since the last miscarriage my body is going crazy!!!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

11 Years

On Friday Night, my Hubby and I celebrated 11 years of marriage! We went out on the town and had a great time, just him and I. I was very happy to spend some quality time together. We could not stay out too late because I was working at the dance studio all day the next day........ plus, I am not 20 anymore! ha ha!!! So it's harder the next day!
But now that I tell people that we have been married 11 years, you know the question always comes out: "and no kids?" I do not want to explain my entire life story and the difficult times we have gone through to every parent at the dance studio (yes, I work with kids all week long!). I just tell them that it has been hard and that hopefully it will happen someday. I don't like when people look at me with pity.
I have to say that I have changed over the years. After the first 2 miscarriages, I went into deep depression. I then snapped out of it and focused on trying and trying and trying...... with no outcomes. Unfortunately, IUI's and IVF is not for us as our insurance does not cover these costs or an extremely small amount. We make ok money, not enough to invest in "baby loans" or intensive medical treatments. So lately I have been thinking about me and enjoying ME. I joined a new gym which has great classes in the morning that I enjoy going to. I have lost 3 pounds and I feel great. Hubby and I enjoy our time together. I seem and feel more happy. I more and more come to terms with the fact that we might not have any children ever. It sucks but it is the way it is..... I guess it is what my life was supposed to be. I do not close the door on the idea of being a parent, I always wanted to be one......... but if it happens, it happens. I stay hopeful :-)
Balanced Translocation you have been tough on me but I am back enjoying life........ you could not take that away from me!

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Well, I am on Day 20 of my cycle and without any notice, AF suddendly arrived this morning...... huuuhh?!
I usually have long cycles 28-34 days. Never 20, I think this is the earliest cycle ever. I did not feel any cramping really prior to last night before I went to bed but I thought it was the beginning of the 7-10 days cramping that I usually feel before AF.
It definitely made this cycle easier to deal with. No worries about the 2ww this time. I am just surprised. Well, maybe this is due to the fact that I have started other things for myself and I have tried to not focus on my body signs and symptoms. If pregnancy happens, then it happens. But for a bit, I am going to do things for ME :-)
Anyhow..... I just thought it was weird!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Not much...

Well, I don't have much to say. The year started with AF knocking at my door on January 1st. What else is new? But anyhow.... I find myself in a great mood. I have decided to think about myself for a while. I started eating much cleaner and I am about to join a new gym that offers alot of zumba classes. I love them... they put me in a great mood. Just a better fit for me. I have changed things in my daily routine and feel good about it. I do not give up on the battle. Hubby and I do not use contraception so if it happens, it happens. I have been able to get pregnant 5 times. I am sure it will happen again but I do not want to focus on that only..... at least for a little while. I want to enjoy myself and my life. So this is where I am so far... Happy New Year to Everyone!