Just Wanted to Share

For some reason, this week, I found myself thinking back in time alot. I don't really know why...... emotional, I guess, or just PMS"ing". Anyhow.... I "looked" back and thought about the first time I found out I was pregnant. Oh my.... it was so unexpected. I had not been taking my birth control correctly. As we were not planning on having children yet at that time, I was indeed on birth control but for some reason I wasn't serious with taking it starting at a certain time, at around 25 years old. Anyways, I got pregnant (maybe it was a sign. Something was wrong with me and if I would have taken it longer, who knows when I would have found out about this cruel BT). I will always remember the shock......but really, the joy. This overwhelming feeling taking over me. There was a life inside of me and I was going to be a Mommie, we were going to be parents. Wow... I did not know about BT, so I was ignorant (in pregnancy matters). I told everyone around me. I remember talking through a webcam with my mom and showing the BFP that was spelled out (digital hpt): "pregnant." Anyhow... we all know that the outcome was not good and I ended up miscarrying. As I was thinking back, I got so furious. I will never get that moment back!!! Even when I do get pregnant, I can't be excited. This is it... the one time I got pregnant at 25 and got that happy, happy, happy feeling will NEVER COME BACK. It sucks.....

Another thing that for some reason I have been thinking about and kinda been obsessing over is how I found out about my BT. I mean the day I got the diagnosis. After the second m/c, a few minutes before I was about to be rolled into the OR for my D&C, the doctor asked if I wanted to test the fetus. I said yes. I was still not thinking anything was wrong with me, I just wanted to know. Just bad luck I thought. Anyhow... results came back baby had a chromosome abnormality, a.k.a. unbalanced translocation (UBT). My OB/GYN said that we should get tested just in case but I remember her saying "but it's probably nothing." We both got tested and waited for our results. To be quite honest, I was not even worried that anything was wrong with me or Hubby. I thought it would come back normal.............. wow........ I was wrong. And now I recall that phone conversation. OB and I had been playing phone tag alot that day. I was really busy working, not able to pick up the phone, when I called back she wasn't available, etc... Well, when the phone rang and I was finally able to pick it up, I did........... but I was in my car.........driving! It was a quick conversation and all I recall is you have balanced translocation. She explained briefly........ I was trying to focus on my driving and I remember asking: "can I still have children?" (that's all I was interested of knowing) and she responded: "sure you can." Anyways... I went home and started reading on it. SHOCK............ all I could see were the words "recurring m/c's, infertility." Oh sadness... Well, I later went to genetic counseling and testings and whatever, and blah blah blah. I am so mad..... I found out about BT in my car!!!!

Well, almost 6 years later....... still not baby. Dreams crushed, I started an altered lifestyle for myself so I would not feel too bad about myself. Wow........... I am sorry if this is long and I am venting..... I guess I kept it inside for so long and for some reason, I had to let it out...... just wanted to share that time of my life!